#566 Musings Beyond the Bunker (Wednesday January 25)
Good morning,
Bear with me as I go on a couple of interconnected stories. I hope it all comes together.
THE JOKE
I was walking down the street the other day and ran into a friend who always has a joke at the ready. This one is about a kid applying for his first job. The interviewer asks, “What would you say is your worst quality?” The kid answers, “I’d have to say it’s my brutal honesty.” The interviewer responds, “I don’t see how that’s a bad quality,” to which the kid says, “Yeah, well I don’t give a damn what you think…”
LESSONS CAN ALWAYS BE LEARNED
As parents, we often find ourselves watching our kids from the sidelines and will want to provide them some wisdom and occasional guidance, whether solicited or not! After all, we’ve been on this planet for a long time and have experiences that might be applicable to whatever our children might be facing.
But there’s another thing happening as our children grow up. While they certainly are learning from us, they are having their own experiences. These experiences provide them a level of wisdom that they may be able to share with us. If we watch carefully, we can learn things from them. We are all, after all, all works in progress and never should stop evolving. Here is one such lesson.
PROBLEM SOLVING FOR STRANGERS
I enjoy interacting with people whom I meet casually. I think a smile or a friendly comment goes a long way toward breaking the barriers of incivility in which we live. Sometimes I yearn to take it one step further and be more engaged with strangers (but stop myself short—unwilling to get personal). Sometimes people yearn for more and sometimes they yearn for an honest interaction without Being attentive, listening, and empathetic are important qualities that are not often fully developed or utilized in our fraught times. Sometimes there are moments when that empathy can be brought to bear with great effect.
Some years ago, Brad described leaving an Uber driver in tears. The tears were tears of gratitude because Brad had sensed the driver’s anxiety and offered him a shoulder to lean on. The driver was involved a relationship that was on the rocks. On their short drive, Brad managed to get the driver to open up, upon which Brad helped him work through his circumstances and reach clarity. Then there is the story of the gay kid who reached out to Brad to share that he didn’t know how to come out to his parents, sensing there was someone there would listen. There were other kids—not necessarily close friends—whom Brad encouraged to take steps to get off drugs or seek therapy, or he was just reaching out to a barista to learn what her tattoos meant. I accept that sometimes this was a bit intrusive—but it took a casual interaction and transformed it into something honest and meaningful.
Once, we were at a vaping store and Brad was giving me a lesson on his latest hobby—a pursuit I really don’t understand. As I was looking around and tried the different flavors of vape (none was appealing at all), Brad had wandered off and was chatting with the salesperson. Only they weren’t talking about the store and its inventory. They were chatting about this guy’s dating life, where he came from and what his career ambitions were. This played out many times, with waiters, baristas, friends from school, classmates, and people on the street. It wasn’t enough simply to make a superficial connection. He was able to get close and get people talking.
The point of this observation is that Brad was able to connect, not superficially, but empathetically and honestly—often brutally so. It was with this honesty that he was able to elevate any discussion to a personal level and often a prescription for action. His observations were not always balanced or nuanced—rather, they were steeped in truth.
LESSON LEARNED
Many of us would want to believe we’re no-nonsense and an open book. You never need to try to guess what I’m thinking. That said, I’m also a fan of “staying in my lane” and not sticking my nose in places where my opinion may not be sought.
As a result of Brad’s example, I have learned also to lean forward into conversations and be aware that each interaction is with a person with a story, aspirations and anxieties. More often than not, a bit of emotional intelligence can lead one to identify an invitation from someone that they are looking for a kind word or are open to sharing. Indeed, a recent article in The New York Times suggested in its wellness newsletter that all types of casual social interactions—honest, open and often with those with whom we are not close—are critical to mental health.
So, the lessons I’ve derived:
Double-down on interacting with people in even the most casual or transactional circumstances.
Don’t be afraid to push a tiny bit to see if there is room for deeper conversation.
Be honest in doing so.
Brad often was blunt in his assessment of people’s behaviors—sometimes to their face. There was no equivocation and no holding back. Just like the interviewee in the joke, his greatest deficit was his unrestrained honesty. Real interaction—unfiltered and raw, yet kind and constructive.
Have a great day,
Glenn