#224 Musings Beyond the Bunker (Friday December 17)
Good morning!
THE LATEST IN SCHOOL GUN VIOLENCE
Last week, the Oakland County Prosecutor charged the parents of Ethan Crumbley, the latest perpetrator of a mass shooting at a school, with involuntary manslaughter. While it is unusual to prosecute the parents of someone who committed a crime, in this case it seems not only appropriate but also serves as a warning that parents are not without responsibility in the spate of gun-related killings plaguing our nation. I’m still digesting this turn of events…here goes with some early thoughts:
Here is a brief rundown of some of the salient facts known to most of us. The Crumbley parents purchased the gun as a present for their 15 year-old son. He subsequently posted a disturbing message on-line about his recent gift. There was no discernable effort to keep the gun and ammunition safe and secure, nor was there much in the way of gun education. Meanwhile, a teacher at his high school reported to the parents a disturbing Internet search conducted by the child. There was no response. The school followed up with an email an email to the parents that also elicited no response. The school was concerned. And then the mother sent an email to her son, “LOL. I’m not mad at you. You have to learn not to get caught.”
With this chilling parental support of her son’s disturbing attitude and in defiance of the authorities, this mother represents the apotheosis of the “they’re my children; you can’t tell me what to do” modern form of parenting. It seems that, with book banning, manipulation of curriculum to restrict access to scientific facts and controversial books, and the lack of any sense of communitarian responsibility, we have a significant swath of parents who view their parenting as above reproach, independent of outside oversight. It is as if they are a “sovereignty of one” in the rearing of their precious charges, unconnected to the broader community interest or fitting within a community and protecting the safety of others.
I juxtapose this behavior with a refrain I have been hearing a lot on nonprofit board calls. Often, someone will stop and invoke the standard, “We need to think about what we want to do for our kids.” What makes it so interesting is that no one in these conversations was actually talking about one of “their” kids, that they had raised. They were talking about kids in our community. Their view—that all of the children in the community are “our kids,” in some greater sense, is mirrored by the view of our Temple’s school and a high school board on which I sit (at which I have no child enrolled). “Our kids” is a phrase used to describe the community of children. There is, in these communities, a higher sense of responsibility for the next generation than merely the kids sitting at our dining room table.
The Crumbley family is from a different tribe, one that thinks that their freedom of parenting apparently defies any community standard and one that does not take into account the effect of their parenting decisions on other people. They knew of their child’s issues, provided a gun, knew of the school’s concerns, and did nothing (if anything, encouraging the behavior). It also seems there is a breach of responsibility of the school—not rising to criminal culpability, but culpability nonetheless.
AM I YOUR CHILDREN’S KEEPER?
This sort of behavior is just one more example of people believing that their world view is that they are solely responsible for their own behaviors and that those behaviors are independent of, and without regard to, the effect their behaviors might have on others.
It sounds a little like those who are unwilling to mask themselves indoors or get vaccinations because their “liberty” is being threatened. There is very little in their rhetoric acknowledging the cost of their decisions on society. Well before the pandemic, I was playing golf with the general manager of one of our local golf clubs, who said his kids were unvaccinated. When I challenged him regarding the risk to herd immunity his decision was putting on society (particularly those whose kids, for medical reasons, could not be vaccinated), his response was “I don’t care about other people’s kids. I only care about my own.” Pretty coarse and quite chilling at the time. Now it seems a preview of an increasingly prevalent view of some in our society…”Don’t tell me what to do and don’t expect my help.” Again, idea of individual freedoms within the context of a greater society has morphed into a concept of “personal sovereignty.” To these people there is no greater responsibility for others that might trump individual decisions at the family level.
FREEDOMS OF OUR YOUTH
Often, people long for the “old days” when kids were free to do “anything.” Indeed, people comment on the freedom we had as kids, safe on our bicycles with our only obligation being to return home in time for dinner. That said, in those days, if a kid was misbehaving, it was expected that one of the neighbor parents would admonish that child and report his/her behavior to their parents. No one thought anything of it. Violate a community standard and expect a member of the community to redirect you. Teachers were not only respected but their authority was also feared. Now, teachers are regularly “turned in” to administrators for any attempt to admonish a child or suggest improving behavior, much less actual punishment. Increasingly, teachers, schools, neighbors and school boards are enemy forces intruding on the sense of absolute sovereignty of these parents.
OUR KIDS
This got me thinking about what we mean by “our kids.” When we refer only to those children that we have conceived or adopted, one’s world view is shaped one way. When we refer to the broader set of children in the community, one’s view is quite different. The two inter-related questions I’ve been pondering are:
· How much responsibility do we have for the actions of our own children; and
· How much responsibility do we owe to the community for the safety of “all of the children”
The behavior of the Crumbley parents is an obvious, egregious, example of parents ignoring warning signs of their child’s mental illness and propensity for violence. In fact, they were actually enablers of the child’s actions (purchasing the gun as a gift, ignoring what must obviously have been “warning signs,” failing to respond to messages received from their child’s school regarding their concerns, and suggesting to their child that, rather than not do evil, not to get caught in the act). But there are other messages to be noted that, to me, are clear:
· Gun ownership is rampant. And children are getting the guns. I had always believed that children obtaining guns posed the greatest threat to themselves (which, I suspect, is the case). Now, it appears they also would utilize these weapons to inflict injury on others. This is not the first case of a mass murderer obtaining the weapon from his parents. Indicting and, hopefully, convicting these parents will send the right message.
· It doesn’t matter where you stand on the gun debate. Even the most ardent supporter of the prevailing, warped, reading of the Second Amendment can’t possibly believe there are no constraints at all on gun ownership. I suspect even the NRA can see that there is some level of personal responsibility attached to the purchase, ownership, and safety measures associated with guns. The choice of whom you choose to handle your gun has a consequence.
· Parents are not pals. They are role models. To suggest to a child not to get caught, rather than not to misbehave, is a terrible message. The Crumbleys owed other children and their parents the responsibility to protect them.
· Mental illness, including sociopathy, can be recognized early. Rather than turning away from the signs, one must “lean in” and address the problem early, without judgment or fear. I commend the podcast, “Getting Thru” to understand how people have dealt with mental illness and improved their lives: https://www.audible.com/pd/Podcast/B08JJMDXJS#:~:text=Getting%20Thru%20is%20a%20new,meant%20for%20informational%20purposes%20only.
· Schools should actively follow. They cannot stand idly by regarding concerns with the possible dangers of not taking action with respect to a single child. It is not “up to the parents.”
· Schools are our partners. Society has swung too far from parental support of teachers to parental control. And heaven forbid a teacher admonishes a child for bad behavior—the wrath of the students likely is about to follow.
WHAT MUST IT BE LIKE
For a great read on the struggles of a mother whose child became a mass murderer at his school, read We Need to Talk About Kevin, by Lionel Shriver. It is a chilling account (a tad long) of a mother watching her son on the path to sociopathy—a path she saw and her husband ignored. It began early and was not addressed. The boy could manipulate people effectively. The book shows that the father, at seemingly all cost, chose to view his son’s behaviors as just manifestations of a young boy’s rambunctiousness. But, after all, how does one come to grips with mental health issues—issues that increasingly manifest themselves in asocial and violent behaviors? How does one raise a child with such problems? How does one love such a child? How does one ensure that such a child can commit no harm to others? It is a gripping book made into a movie in 2011, starring Tilda Swindon as the mother.
CONCLUSION
I say “bravo” to the prosecution of these parents. I don’t think they should serve long prison terms (of course, I’m not sure very many people should serve long prison terms). But their indictment and conviction sends a strong signal to others that parents hold some responsibility for their children’s behaviors. And it sends a strong signal—through judicial processes, when legislative processes are not working—that the use of guns in crimes comes with consequences.
We live in dangerous times. That this prosecutor is upping the ante is a breath of fresh air.
PANCAKES!
It’s always a good time for breakfast and always a good time for comfort food. Plus, it’s the holiday season. So, by popular demand…
Lemon Ricotta Pancakes
Thank you, Lauren Campbell, for changing my life! I’ve only prepared these many times (to raving reviews) so far…:
1 ½ cups flour
3-4 tablespoons sugar (stay on the lower side—plenty of sugar when maple syrup and blueberry compote are on top)
¼ teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt (I’d reduce to ¼, but your call and your blood pressure)
1 cup buttermilk (2% is fine)
¾ cup ricotta cheese (go with the low-fat—you lose nothing in taste)
3 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon lemon zest (I might make it 1 ¼)
¼ cup lemon juice
1 tablespoon melted butter
Preheat griddle to medium or medium high
Whisk Flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt in medium bowl and make a “well”
In separate mixing bowl, whisk together buttermilk, ricotta, eggs and vanilla until blended.
Add butter, lemon zest and lemon juice to milk mixture and blend until combined (it will curdle a bit)
Immediately pour milk mixture into flour mixture and whisk to combine
Blueberry compote is 1 ½ cups blueberries, 1/3 cup of water, two tablespoons of sugar, cooked for ten minutes in saucepan. Then use this to pour on top.
Have a good day and stay safe,
Glenn
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